Not Alone Series: Defining the Relationship

12 Jan

 

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Welcome back, everyone!  We are in a new season of the Not Alone Series and we are so happy that you are here with us!!!!

 

As with all of our NAS discussions, we encourage you to write on the topic and link over to our blogs (Lindsay and me 😉 .)  All the readers of the NAS enjoy reading each other’s posts and receiving feedback on the topics.  We all like to have a sounding board and even a challenge to our point of view, so please, please PLEASE comment – we like to share the wealth of knowledge 🙂 – and if you enjoy a post, hit the “LIKE” button.  Today we are talking about “Defining the Relationship.”  If you are linking up with us today, visit Lindsay’s blog to link up and remember to link back to my blog as well.

 

Before we jump into today’s topic, please comment below or email me (my email is on the right side of my blog) with any suggestions for future NAS topics!  YAYAY!

Okie dokie!? Okay!  Here we go!  DTR’s:

Defining the Relationship (AKA: DTR’s). Here is the topic prompt:

Defining the relationship can be a tricky thing, but it doesn’t have to be hard. What are some of your preferred “do’s” and “don’t” with DTR’s? What should you ask in order to see where the relationship is going? When do you ask (3rd, 5th, 10th date?) How do you respond when you get an answer that you were hoping to avoid? How do you reassess your deal breakers and desired qualities? Do you re-consider your “nice-to-have’s” on your “list” of qualities you want in a guy? What else should we know for DTR’s? We all want to be well-equipped for dating this year 😉

 

Oh DTR’s, how I loathe don’treallylike thee.  It’s easy and comfortable to go out on 3, 4 or 7 dates and keep it at that – a date.  Then when we hit the 8th date or so we get to wondering where the relationship is heading.

It’s good to go out on several dates to get to know each other.  BUT.  When the dates keep going and going and going, you really get to wondering, “Where is this headed?  Are we on the same page here?”

That’s when the “DTR” comes into play.

 

Each person wants to feel loved, respected and cared for.  That’s the beauty of dating and getting to know one another.  So, the importance of the DTR is crucial.  Because, for example, if you think, “He keeps asking me out – he must really be into me” it’s better NOT to assume.  It’s better to pose the question and get a reply than to go on not knowing if you are both on the same page about growing your friendship into a serious relationship.

 

Several years ago, I “hung out” with a guy for a few months.  He was nice and we had a fun time playing the wii, swimming, playing Frisbee, etc. But he wasn’t what I wanted in a guy.  He wasn’t intentional with our friendship/relationship (yeah, it was weird.)  And then one day I met another guy who was more my kind of guy: intentional and chivalrous and he pursued me.  Instantaneously I mentally checked out of the friendship/pseudo relationship with the first guy, and started hanging out with the second guy.  I never hung out with the first guy again.

 

The first friendship/pseudo relationship ended with a BIG “FACE PALM”  because it turned out that both guys knew each other and I made a really reeeaally big fool of myself.  *GULP.*  OH it was terrible.  I felt like such an idiot.  Yeah, I was that girl.  And i’mgoingtocrawlunderthetablenow.  If I had figured out where the first relationship was going, I could have spared myself from a lot of confusion and grief.  In that first friendship/relationship, I just kept responding to his lame and inconsistent initiation.  Word of advice from experience.  Don’t do that.  If the guy is lame and inconsistent, and wants to hang out and hang out, but never really pursues, then move on.

 

Everything turns out better when you establish where things are heading before you get too attached or invest a lot of time.  (Which also ties in to talking about the deal breakers, which I wrote about last year.)  If you know that the man you are dating is not marriage material, you should not be going on date after date.

 

As far as what to ask or how to let the guy know how you feel about the relationship – there’s no clear cut, easy way to do it that will work for everyone.  You don’t necessarily have to flat out ask, “What are we doing here?!?”  It doesn’t have to be a question at all.  Why not just express how you feel about the relationship and then wait patiently for him to do the same?  If he doesn’t take the bait, then maybe you should take that as a signal that he’s not ready to make any kind of commitment.  Your guy has probably been sending pretty clear signals all along, one way or another – sometimes we just need to take off the rose-colored glasses and view the relationship as an outsider.

 

If you do choose to ask where the relationship is headed, be prepared for two different kinds of responses:

1) You both move forward in the relationship and date exclusively

or

2) He says, “I’m not looking for a serious relationship” and “I want to remain ‘just friends.'”

 

The second reply is definitely harder if you want to move forward in the relationship.  Before you have the conversation or the DTR, think about what you really want in your future spouse.  Does this guy fit the bill?  If so – YAYY!!!YYYYYYY!!!!  And if not, be honest with yourself and move on.  It will be better for you and him when you establish where you are headed.  Respect his opinion and decision.

A few things to remember before the conversation, either way you want it to go:

Be gentle.

Be kind.

Whether or not you continue dating this guy, he needs respect and care.  Be gentle with your words.  Be kind, lest you embarrass him.  Guys have emotions and they invest a lot in relationships, just as we do.  He is someone’s future spouse.  If not your future spouse, then someone else’s.

 

Here’s to a great year for dating!!!!!!!!  I pray each of you is blessed this year and that God guides each of you in your friendships and relati0nships.

 

I’d love to hear your feedback!  Please comment below and let me know your thoughts on DTR’s!!!!!!!

Stay tuned!!!  Next week’s topic: Financial Responsibility

Here is next week’s writing prompt:

Money and budgeting seems to be at the top of many New Year’s plans. Finances can add stress to a relationship, but it’s obviously preferable that we know how to manage our finances before we are married, as well as have some sort of idea of how we want to share finances once we are married. What are some of your recommendations for planning your finances and budgeting your money now so that it will be less stressful down the road? Do you hope to share accounts with your spouse or have a yours/mine/ours system? How have you seen other couples manage their finances in a way that works well?

 

Peace,

Rachel

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One Response to “Not Alone Series: Defining the Relationship”

  1. Lindsay January 17, 2016 at 11:16 pm #

    You make such a good point about treating men with kindness. Whenever I blog or talk about how much women like men who make the first move, pursue, initiate, etc., I get pushback from guys who feel like they have to take all the risks and get shot down. I understand that. It can’t feel good to be rejected (I’ve been on that end, too). It’s so important to remember that you want this guy too look back on his time with you as positive. He’s not right for *you*, but he’s probably right for someone else!

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